Satire Saturday: Fantasy Football Punching Bag Claims to Always Win “Other Leagues”

Facing trash talk from the rest of the league following yet another blowout defeat, longtime fantasy football loser Dylan once again chalked things up to “bad luck”, stating he was victorious in all four of his other leagues last week.

“It’s really annoying because these guys all think that I suck when in reality, this is the only league I seem to do poorly in,” said Dylan, a Pittsburgh fan, over a remark that for a team called “Steeling the Trophy”, there still hadn’t been close to a successful theft.

“The only big question about Dylan’s team every year is if he’s going 4-9 or 5-8,” said Connor, league commissioner.  “To be honest with you, I’m not sure why he pays the league dues every year.”

Dylan defended himself, claiming to have won two leagues and finished runner-up in a third, 16-team league just last year.  However, the finer details of these leagues have come into question.

“I’m pretty sure one of them’s a family league,” said Connor.  “As for the rest, I feel like I’ve heard mixed stories.  There might be one with coworkers and another with some old band friends.  I’m not sure how competitive any of these leagues are, or if they even really exist.”

“Dylan is straight trash,” overconfident league member Kaustubh said.  “I didn’t even know anything about football when I joined the league, but I’ve already got a ring while Dylan strives for even an average season.  All he does is draft a bunch of rookies and ‘sleepers’, but you know what happens to those sleepers?  They never wake up.”

Dylan got off to another 0-2 start this season, setting up a fourth straight losing season since he last reached the postseason in 2013.

“I gotta give him some credit for 2013,” Kaustubh said.  “He wasn’t total garbage that year.  But that’s only because Peyton Manning rewrote the record books that year.  Peyton carried his whole team of scrubs- it’s actually pretty sad Dylan didn’t win the title with that beast of a player.”

Despite his failures, Dylan remains confident in his abilities, noting his successful track record as a fantasy football manager, and insisting that once a few key players have breakout games, he’ll start dominating the league, just like every other league he’s a part of.

“Oh, don’t get me started on these other leagues,” upcoming opponent Luis said.  “One time, I had Justin Tucker on Monday Night Football, and he kicked a 55-yarder that won me the matchup.  So, I send him a text to rub it in, you know?  But he just replies that it’s cool because that kick helped him win in two other leagues.  NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANY OF YOUR OTHER LEAGUES, MAN!”

It remains to be seen if Dylan can turn things around this year.  He was last seen dropping Chargers kicker Younghoe Koo, heading to the waiver wire to search for a kicker that can “really get it done.”